Jokes & Puns

Some jokes for your amusement.

 Just some of my favorites. Not all of them are puns, but many fit the theme. Everyone can use a good joke now and then. But for now these will have to do.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?

Dam! (what else)

How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do the letters DNA stand for?

National Association of Dyslexics .

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef...

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

Nobody eats parsley...

Where do you find a no-legged dog?

Right where you left him.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

The Seven Dwarfs get to meet the pope. Dopey walks up to the pope and says "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Softly in the background can be heard the six remaining dwarves chanting, "Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin."

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moments, the vet shook his head and sadly said. "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away". The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged and left the room. He then returned with a beautiful yellow lab. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. The dog then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out and returned a few moments with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed at the ex-bird, stood back, shook his head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,"I'm very sorry, but like I said, your parrot is definitely.....dead." He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill and handed it to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock over the death, cried out "$450 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "if you would have taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......What did you expect???"

A group of friends is out on the golf course, and getting more frustrated on each hole, as the foursome ahead of them seems to be taking their time. The main culprit seems to be an elderly gentleman, who is stopping for all sorts of reasons.

Just as they are preparing to drive up and say something to them, they see something that stops them in their tracks. On the road alongside the fairway, a funeral procession is driving by. As it approaches, the older man drops his club, takes off his hat, places it over his heart and stands in reverence.

The other foursome, who have by now pulled up to this group, are at a loss for words as to what to say. Finally, they turn to one of the others in the group and remark "Gee.. that was inspiring, one of the noblest gestures we have seen, here or on any course we have played.

The friend of the elderly man says "Yeah.. maybe. But it's the right thing to do after 47 years of marriage".

I heard a story about a Scottish student at an English university, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy, rowdy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I ignore them. I just sit here, calmly playing my bagpipes."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until
little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "as
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:.....

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

How do West Virginians practice safe sex?

Answer- They mark the sheep that kick.

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both love a tight seal.

Did you hear about the latest news from the psychological journals? They have diagnosed the first known person with all the signs of being a combination Dyslexic/agnostic/insomniac.

Yes, it's true... he stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the ground hog that it can be done.

Doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

Proctologist to his female patient "So tell me, just how did that alimony check get way up there?"

(Definition)- Wicker Box: What Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend.

What did Ellen say to Cathy Lee?

Can I be Frank with you?

A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas but this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a cab back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the back of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. But, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist said. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD." "I understand perfectly," said the client. "I just can't hear it often enough."

An older couple was reading the newspaper and found this ad: "To join my new religion....Call this number to schedule and appointment" An older couple called the number and the man on the other end said "meet me in my office at 6:00 tonight". The same thing happened to a middle aged couple and they were scheduled for 6:30. Then a Newlywed couple was scheduled for 7:00.

At 6:00 the man greets the elderly couple at his office and tells them that to join his religion they must take a short vow of celibacy, and abstain from making love for two weeks... to show their desire and love of god.

At the following appointments, he tells the other couples the same.

Two weeks go by, and the elderly couple return for the next appointment. They proclaim "No Problem, nothing to it!" The pastor opens his arms wide and says "Welcome to my religion!"

The middle aged couple arrive later, and say "It was a struggle but we made it without too much difficulty." Again, he welcomes this couple with open arms.

The newlywed couple is the last to arrive. They have a somewhat sheepish look on their faces. He asks them "So, how did it go? " They tell him "Well... we were doing fine until this morning. We sat down for breakfast, and about halfway through we innocently flirted with each other. Still we were okay. But then, she dropped her fork, and as I bent down to pick it up for her, she also bent down. We looked into each other's eyes, our love overcame us, and WHAM! We forgot about our celibacy "test" and went at it right there!

Sorry" the pastor says, "but I'm afraid you're not welcome in my religion" The newlyweds looked at him & said "Hell, we're no longer welcome at that Denny's either"

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest, being less fearful, bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, and somewhat afraid they had made an error in burying him, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, It sounds like Mozart's Ninth Symphony.. but it is being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "Hmmm.. that's his Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up, turned around to the crowd that had been gathering, and announced "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart de-composing."

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to his poor diet and deteriorating health, he suffered from very bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly respected as an important spiritual leader. In other words, he was known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

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